


The Heart is Available?

by AshaBlue



Category: Mewgulf, เกลียดนักมาเป็นที่รักกันซะดีๆ | TharnType: The Series (TV)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-04
Updated: 2020-08-31
Packaged: 2021-03-05 22:47:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,239
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25713046
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AshaBlue/pseuds/AshaBlue
Summary: Something has happened and Gulf won't return Mew's calls or answer his line messages except when it comes to work. For three days Mew tries to convince himself it's fine, but when they are on set together at last and Gulf can't get through a scene with Mew, it becomes clear something is going on. Mew worries it's something he did. Gulf agrees to explain that night and asks to stay at Mew's house. Emotional roller coasters ensue.
Relationships: Mew Suppasit Jongcheveevat/Gulf Kanawut Traipipattanapong
Comments: 26
Kudos: 334





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> My first bit of creative writing in years. I've only recently entered the Mew/Gulf fandom and have completely fallen in love with these two people, so much so they've inspired me to write fan fiction! This is a 3 part oneshot.

_Mew was trying for very hard to convince himself everything was fine. It wasn’t fine._

“Cut!” Pique, the director, called out. “Again please.”

Another take. Mew took a deep breath and exhaled slowly though his nose. The scene that should have easily been done in two takes had somehow dragged into double digits. There wasn’t anything complicated or difficult about it. A short and simple shot of Tharn and Type at home in the evening. Type was supposed hold Tharn’s face, “I missed you” he would say, then cue a kiss. Nothing overly intense or complicated. A scene of domesticity punctuated by a kiss to communicate the particular sense of comfort and familiarity, the way messy and clumsy passions of early relationships ebb into something more deeply rooted, familiar, uncomplicated….

“Goddamnit!” Gulf cursed and let go of Mew’s face.

“Cut!” The director called again and an audible collective grunt of frustration resounded through the set. “OK everyone, let’s take five.”

Gulf slumped over, his face buried in his hands to muffle a flurry of mild curses, his right leg rapidly tapping the ground.

“Hey…Nong” Mew began, instinctively reaching a hand to rest on Gulf’s back, but his next words stuck in his throat as Gulf recoiled from him and abruptly stood up. Without thinking Mew grabbed his wrist. “Gulf!” he exclaimed, his voice a lot louder than he meant it to be.

The younger man hesitated. He stared at Mew’s hand on his wrist as if at some strange animal. It occurred to Mew then that the whole set had gone quiet and were conspicuously avoiding looking in their directions. “Let go please, Phi” Gulf said stiffly without meeting Mew’s eyes. His tone so uncharacteristically cold that Mew, startled, complied. He watched wide eyed as Gulf stormed off towards Mame and Pique. 

—

For three days Mew tried to convince himself there was nothing wrong and that he simply needed to stop overthinking things. When Gulf’s responses to his LINE messages became unusually short and perfunctory, single word answers, punctuated by long, painful waiting for any reply at all that sent Mew’s stomach into knots, Mew told himself it was fine. They were busy after all. Busier than they had ever been. More and more they were each branching out on their own. Between that and the shooting starting for season 2 they barely had time to catch their break. Mew himself had been more tired than usual. That’s all it was. It had to be.

When every call made went to voicemail and every attempt to do a video chat was rejected with a polite reason through text, like:

_– Sorry Phi, still at dance practice; Sorry Phi, dinner with family; Sorry Phi, need to sleep –_ Mew told himself these were all perfectly reasonable excuses. Reasons, rather. They were very good reasons.

_Don’t overthink it,_ he told himself again and again, even as found it harderand harder to eat. _You know him. You trust him._ He kept reminding himself as he compulsively shut down and restarting his LINE app just in case.

_If something was wrong he would tell you._ He tried to convince himself even as the lump in his throat became a rock in his chest and kept him awake and tossing into early hours of the morning. 

_Calm down._ He urged himself even as he rewound days and weeks in his head looking for clues to what he might have done to cause this. Terrified he missed something crucial. Terrified he messed up…again. Three whole days of this.

Last night as he lay awake at 2am he tried to convince himself it would all be fine. It was just that they hadn’t seen each other in far longer than any other time since they start their roles as Tharn and Type. He missed Gulf. He was looking forward to the next few days of shooting. They were scheduled to be on set together the whole time. Once they saw each other finally things would be like before. He couldn’t wait to fall back into their familiar patterns: their teasing and laughter, the way they always knew what the other was thinking with a single look, the easy way they fell into and around each other and how those moments felt like home. There were other things he looked forward to, things he often stopped short of dwelling on because these thoughts lead to rooms in Mews heart he wasn’t strong enough to go looking in, like:

_The way they sometime abandoned themselves to their roles until the roles just became convenient excuses for…._

_Gulf’s over eager, hungry kisses that Mew relished and reigned in with reluctance before he lost himself completely and…._

_The way his Nong shyly broke eye contact after an intimate scene because the feeling overwhelmed him and it was all Mew could do not to…_

He shook his head to clear it.

It was nearly 4 am by the time he finally fell asleep. Though calling what he did sleep would be somewhat generous.

In the morning Mew dragged himself to set. He couldn’t remember the last time he felt this tired. For a moment he thought only of finding Gulf and taking him into his arms. This eagerness was quickly replaced by dread when he finally found him, but instead of coming to meet him, Gulf turned around and walked out of the room. 

When they were finally all but forced to be face to face because that is what the scene called for, Gulf greeted Mew with all the warmth one might show a store clerk. Yet still, Mew told himself that he was reading too much into things. He tried to ignore the way his head ached, and his jaw tightened and his heart lurched when Gulf stiffened the first time Mew tried to touch him. 

Whatever flimsy wall of denial Mew had tried so desperately to build up till now had crumbled into a pathetic heap as pulled away from him with again.

Something was wrong. Undeniably, unmistakably wrong.

“Wait!” Mew shot up and quickly closed the distance between them, interrupting the conversation Gulf was having with the director and Mame. He saw them both notice the way Gulf stepped back from him when he came close and it was all he could do not to panic. “Um, can you give us a second?” He asked politely of the two seniors.

“Will you tell me what the hell is going on?” Mew demanded, as soon as he felt they were out of earshot. The pleading in his own voice surprised him. “Would you look at me, please?” he added, fighting to restrain the tremor in his voice as he fought the muscle memory to reach out to him. 

Finally Gulf raised his eyes and for a moment Mew thought he saw Gulf’s face soften before he seemed to recover himself. 

“Nothing is going on. I asked if I can have a few minutes with the acting coach.” Gulf replied with feigned ease. Then, as if remembering, “You did great today.” he added and made such a poor attempt at a casual smile that Mew would have laughed if it hadn’t felt like a punch to the gut to realise Gulf, _his Gulf_ , was lying to him. Mew opened his mouth to speak but could find now words. Before Mew could protest, Gulf turned and walked off the set.

“Mew?”

It was P’Mame. She looked concerned.

“You ok?” She asked “I’ve been calling your name.” She said. “You’ve just been…standing there for a solid minute.” She added carefully. 

“Oh. Sorry. Yes I’m fine.” Mew gave a quick bow. “What’s going on?”

“Did N’Gulf tell you already?” She asked.

“Tell me what?” Mew asked, running a shaky hand through his hair. He was beginning to be very tired of being confused.

“We are not going to do any more takes of this scene today. He asked if we could shoot this one tomorrow.” She glanced at her watch “Since we don’t have a lot of time left today for anything else, P’Pique wants to do a few pickup shots of you from Scene 14. Is that alright?”

Mew looked at her for a moment, his mind turning over the last few minutes, waiting any of this to make sense and for the rushing pounding of blood in his ears to subside.

“N’Mew? Are you sure you’re ok?” She asked gently, putting a hand on his arm.

“Yes. Fine. Of course.” Mew stuttered a reply. 

When Mame narrowed her eyes at him and did not let go he tried again. 

“I’m fine. Really. Just…you know…. “ He trailed off hoping she would fill in the blanks and flashed what he hoped was a reassuring smile. He couldn’t be sure, but her expression suggested that whatever he looked like, reassuring was far from it. 

“Really. Just tired.” He said awkwardly. “I’ll go change now.”

“OK. One of the PAs will get you in five minutes for makeup.” She said, resigned.

Mew was grateful that these were only pick up shots. He tried to focus on the work and fought the urge to keep looking around or checking his phone every chance he got. Gulf never came back on set. As soon as Pique called it a day Mew catapulted off, rushing through his thank you’s, apologies and goodnights. He caught one of the PAs as she rushed passed him.

“Excuse me, Phi. Did N’Gulf go back already?” he asked her.

“I don’t think so. He was back there with P’Mame watching the dailies last I checked” She replied,nodding in the direction of the editing room. When Mew got there, the room was empty. 

There were no messages from Gulf and for a moment Mew reached for anger to try and dull the ache that was quickly becoming too steady in his chest. It hurt less to be angry. It worked for only a moment. When he saw no sign of Gulf’s things in the dressing area either, the anger he was holding on to gave way to simple, clear, sharp dread.

He paced the room as he dialled Gulf’s number. The call went straight to voicemail. _Fuck_. Mew thought

_– Mew: We need to talk._

He quickly typed into LINE and watched the message status change to read. He waited. Deciding suddenly to sit down before standing up again almost immediately. Time seemed to slow to a crawl.

_– Mew: I can’t make it right if I don’t know what I did._ He added when he could no longer bear the wait. Seconds felt like hours.

The “read” confirmation hung there, mocking him.

He was about to send a more colourfully worded message when he saw the indicator that Gulf was typing a response.

– _Gulf_ : _Can I stay at yours tonight?_

Mew blinked in confusion and reread the message. “Gulf.” he groaned with annoyance.

_– Mew: We. Need. To. Talk._

He replied. This time the answer came quickly.

_– Gulf: Not like this. Tonight. Can I?_

Well, Mew thought, at least they were getting somewhere.

– _Mew_ : _Yes. Fine. Where are you?_

– _Gulf:_ _In the car. I took your keys._

Mew shoved tomorrow’s call sheet into his bag and all but ran towards the parking lot


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mew and Gulf arrive at Mew's home. The rest of the Jongcheveevat family is away for the week. Gulf finally explains to Mew why he has been avoiding him. It isn't what Mew expected. They talk. They deal. They make some bad decisions.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've seen the word Mew uses to call Gulf written both as two words (Tua eng) and as one (Tuaeng). As I can't read Thai and the word has been interpreted as "darling" i just stuck to writing it as a single word. Please let me know if I'm way off on both the romanization of the word and how I'm writing it.

It was nearly the rainy season now and even the night felt thick and cloying with heat and humidity as Mew rushed out of the air-conditioned building and into the parking lot. His car stood illuminated by one of the few functioning streetlights revealing Gulf asleep in the passenger seat, slumped against the half lowered window. Mew watched his breath rising and falling in the light. Briefly, Mew considered waking him but quickly changed his mind as he admired the way sleep eased the man’s handsome features into a peaceful expression. 

Before climbing into the drivers seat, Mew slipped his sweater off and gingerly laid over Gulf’s sleeping form, worried about the cold air from the car AC. The other man stirred as he did so, hair falling over his eyes and across the bridge of his nose. Without a second thought Mew reached out and brushed the strands back into place, letting his fingertips linger on the warm skin of Gulf’s temple. The young man seemed to relax at his touch, burrowing into the warmth of the makeshift blanket, remaining quite oblivious and unbothered otherwise. For a moment Mew felt himself relax as well, a private smile on his lips, before the events of the past day reasserted themselves. The bone deep ache that came from missing him when he was this close came rushing back. He felt very tired all of a sudden and with a heavy sigh started the engine. 

The drive was not long at this time of night, the traffic having mostly subsided. Within 30 minutes Mew was pulling into the driveway of his home with Gulf still quietly slumbering in the next seat. 

The Jongcheveevat house was dark. Mew’s parents and sister, even Chopper, were away for an annual family trip south. The filming schedule kept Mew away this year but he hoped to join them for the final leg of their trip in a few days. 

“Nong.” Mew called softly, trying to wake Gulf without startling him. The other man stirred but showed no signs of waking. Out of habit Mew began to reach for Gulf’s ear – a reliable method he used to gently wake his co-star when he slept on set – but stopped short recalling how Gulf had recoiled from his touch earlier that day. He opted for gently shaking his shoulder instead. 

“We’re here.” Mew said as Gulf finally began to stir and opened his eyes. He couldn’t see Gulf’s expression in the dark but he could feel the nervous energy of the younger man as he made no move to exist the vehicle. He waited for what felt like an eternity in the silence, discomfort practically radiating from the man next to him.

“I can take you home if you want” Mew finally offered tentatively, fighting to keep the hurt from his voice. When no reply came he made to get out of the car, frustration and irritation building. “While you make up your mind…” he began to say and started as Gulf’s hand closed over his own. Mew stared from their hands to Gulf’s face, but the other man would not look at him. 

“So you’re staying then?” Mew asked, too cautious to let any hope resolve his worry just yet. 

“Yes.” Gulf said quietly, squeezing Mew’s hand as he spoke, “If that’s still alright with you.” he added, taking back his hand.

“Fine. I’ll see you inside then” Mew said getting out of the car. He heard the door open and close followed by the sound of Gulf’s steps trailing behind him. They went through the motions of unlocking the front door, entering the security code and taking off their shoes in silence. 

“You can wait here.” Mew said without looking back as he headed towards the kitchen. “I’ll see if there’s something we can eat.” 

He didn’t bother turning on the lights in the kitchen as he opened the fridge and surveyed their food options. He was considering some three day old take out noodles when Gulf was suddenly behind him, his arms around Mew’s waist. Mew tried to turn to face the younger man but Gulf responded by tightening his grip and pressing himself firmer against Mew’s back giving him no room to maneuver. 

“Everything…ok?” Mew asked, trying to processes this new development. Not that Gulf never initiated a hug before, but it was rare and certainly unusual after the day they’ve had. 

“No”. Gulf mumbled against his shoulder, his breath warm against Mew’s neck. 

“Ready to talk then?” Mew asked gently as he placed the likely inedible noodles back in the fridge shutting the door, and casting them both back into darkness. Resigned, Mew folded his arms over Gulf’s, his thumbs running gentle circles over Gulf’s knuckles and tried very hard not to think about the cartwheeling in his stomach, or whether Gulf could hear the way his pulse quickened at the press of their bodies.

“No” Gulf said. 

_Well, this was better than no talking at all._ Mew thought. 

“You aren’t mad at me anymore?” 

“I never was.” Gulf’s response came muffled as he pressed his face into Mew’s back. “I’m sorry I made you think I was.” He added, his voice sounding so repentant and sad Mew flinched with the effort to turn around again. 

“Can you let me go so I can look at you.” Mew pleaded.

“No. I need to ask you something and I don’t want you to look at me when I do.” Gulf said. 

“Ok. I promise I won’t turn around. You don’t have to squeeze so hard though. I’m not going anywhere.” Mew tried to make his voice sound as gentle and reassuring as he could.

The hold eased slightly and Mew let out a breath.

“Khun Phi, do you think that I rely too much on you?” Gulf stammered out.

Mew was so caught off guard by the question he wasn’t sure he heard correctly. “I don’t understand.” The question seemed preposterous to Mew. He had spent the last three days thinking he was the offending party, that he somehow pushed too hard or did too much. He was always the one hugging Gulf, reaching for his hand, pulling him into his lap. Where in the world would Gulf have gotten the idea that it was he who might be a problem. 

He felt Gulf take a deep breath before continuing. “Do you think I’m too clingy? Too needy?”

“You mean beside the present situation” Mew said, as he gently rubbed Gulf’s forearms still firmly around his waist. 

“Yes. Besides now.” Gulf groaned with irritation. “I know I rely a lot on you to take care of me a lot. Sometimes even when I don’t need to.” Gulf’s voice came out rushed and nervous, as if he was afraid of losing his nerve before he could get all the words out. I think sometimes I let myself seem more in need than I am just so you would. I like when you look after me.” He finished, his voice trailing off. 

“So you have been pushing me away and ignoring me for days because you thought I was what, sick of you?” Mew was beginning to grow frustrated with the situation. He badly wanted to look at Gulf, to reassure him, but every time he made even the slighted move Gulf stiffened and tightened his grip.“Why would you suddenly think that way? Have I ever done or said anything to make you feel like you were a chore or a burden?” Mew tried to hide the surge of panic in his voice.

“No. Never. It’s just that….” Gulf’s voice cracked “You told the whole world your heart was available.” he stammered out. “I tried to dismiss it, I know it’s just an interview. But I couldn’t stop thinking about it. It just sort of hit me, the inevitability of losing you one day.” As he spoke his voice grew calmer, sadder, resigned. “ I realised how much of my happiness is wrapped up with you, how much I really need you. Maybe my needing you as much as I do gets in the way of…” His voice trailed off. He pulled his arms back, letting Mew go then and took a step back, taking the warmth with him. 

Mew spun on him, fighting the urge to grab him and shake him. “In the way of what?” 

Gulf sighed and looked down. “Someone you should be taking care of like this. Someone who can be for you what I…what we…” he shook his head and seemed to give up trying to find the right word. He met Mew’s eyes, the soft brown of them pleading for understanding before he dropped his gaze again and took another step back. “I’m sorry.” He said finally. “I never meant to make you worry.”

Mew’s heart felt ready to break. How could he have misread the signs so badly? How could he have looked into those eyes all day and not seen the fear or the hurt. 

Mew took a step towards Gulf, and took hold of one hand pulling him a closer. He gently grabbed the young man’s chin with his free hand and guided his face to look up and meet his eyes. 

“Listen to me, Tuaeng.” Mew said, cupping his cheek, smiling at the way his Nong’s face seemed to light up at the sound of his pet name. "I like taking care of you.” He smiled at him in kind. “I’m so grateful that you trust me to do so. Its the only way I know to give you something back for everything you’ve given me.” He ran his thumb across the other man’s soft cheek. He was so happy to be looking into those soft brown eyes again. “But more than that, I like taking care of you because you are one of the most important people in my life.” he said with a gentle smile. “You are not, nor have you ever been, in the way of anything. Do you understand?” Gulf nodded, a shy smile touching the corner of his mouth. 

In hindsight, Mew should have seen it coming. He did see it coming. He sensed it in his own blood, felt it in the way his heart beat like a hummingbird in his chest, the way thoughts began to sound like white noise in his head the moment he pulled Gulf closer and touched his face. These were only the early warning signs. He also saw Gulf’s gaze linger on his mouth a little too long, felt his breath quicken. Knew he was holding him too long. He knew it was coming and he should have stopped it. 

He didn’t. 

It was Gulf who moved first, closing the space between them, crashing into him, pushing his back against the fridge. Gulf brushed his mouth against Mew’s in a tentative, feather light kiss that ended abruptly, leaving vicious hunger in its wake. He pulled back examining Mew’s face, searching his eyes for approval. “Tuaeng..st” Mew began, the word coming out in a hoarse wanton whisper, sounding very much like encouragement. The second word caught in his throat, he simply couldn’t remember it now and then it was too late. 

Accepting the invitation in Mew’s voice, Gulf claimed his mouth again. As if making up for the chasteness of the first kiss, there was no restraint this time, his movements hungry and urgent. Before Mew could even processes what happened the young man abandoned his protesting lips to plant staccato kisses against his jaw and neckline, one after another, multiplying like fractals until Mew lost count. Gulf moved too quickly from one spot to the next, mapping a reckless trail of want in his wake. Forcing Mew to stifle a frustrated groan. He found spot to tease with kisses only to move on just before Mew could properly sink into the pleasure of the feeling. His movements were clumsy and inexperienced, driven by instinct, without a hint of self-consciousness. Mew found it insanely endearing and intoxicating. Gulf made his head spin.

No longer able to stand the teasing, Mew took Gulf’s face in his hands and guided him back to his mouth. He forced Gulf’s pace to slow much as he had done in workshops, his knees nearly buckling as the younger man moaned against his mouth. Mew began to lose track of Gulfs roaming hands as they ran through his hair, griped his muscled shoulders, tugged at his shirt collar to get at more of him, echoing the random, frenzied movement of his lips a moment earlier. It was the sudden touch of cool fingertips on hot skin struggling with the button of Mew’s jeans that finally, painfully, snapped him back his senses. 

He grabbed Gulf’s hand, halting its dangerous progress.

“Stop” Mew croaked out, barely above a whisper, finally remembering how to speak as he broke the kiss with a sharp intake of breath. For a moment Gulf struggled against Mew’s grip, his other hand taking over, attempting to continue the southward trajectory of it’s partner. Mew grabbed the other wrist “I said stop.” He said with more force than he intended. “We can’t do this.” Mew said, their eyes locked, breath coming in rapid and ragged. He hated himself for the crestfallen and confused look that replaced the flush of desire on Gulf’s face. “I’m sorry.” He started to say when Gulf suddenly pushed him away, wrenched both wrists out of Mew’s grip, and practically ran out of the room.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Conclusion.

“Nong!” Mew called, reaching for him as Gulf fled the room. The sudden break in contact and the force of Gulf’s push left Mew off balance. "Don't run away." Mew said under his breath, not entirely sure if he was addressing Gulf or himself. He would have to do the soul searching later, now he had to deal with his mess. Mew hurried after other man, closing the distance between them quickly. He grabbed Gulf by the elbow before he could disappear into the bathroom. “Wait a second!” Mew was still a little breathless.

Gulf let Mew tug at his arm a moment before turning around. He faced Mew with a mostly calmed expression, but would not meet his eyes, choosing to stare at his own feet instead. It was hard to reconcile the Gulf who could now barely look at him, his face a storm of shame and residual desire, with the hungry, eager man who moments early had Mew pressed against the fridge, moaning against his mouth, bold hands exploring.

“Please, Phi.” Gulf layed his hand over where Mew held on to his arm. “Can you just give me a minute?” He looked up for a moment before shying away again. Mew’s heart gave a defiant lurch at the sound of defeat in his voice. He wanted to fold him up in his arms and murmur reassurances into his ear, but getting that close did not seem like a good idea right at this moment. Instead, Mew ran his thumb over the soft inside of Gulf’s elbow and let go. Gulf instantly disappeared inside the bathroom, locking the door behind him. to think of anything better to do, Mew made his way back to the kitchen to make another attempt at some kind of dinner, his mind on the first time, and what he promised himself would be the last time they crossed that line from brothers to more.

It was months ago. The tension had been building for months, their chemistry electric from the day they met and instantly palpable to anyone around them. It became real affection, and real love not long after. It was harder and harder for Mew to maintain his guard against the onslaught of trust, care, and acceptance that Gulf directed at him while asking only for things Mew was already more than willing to give. His time with Gulf became something he increasingly looked forward to, missed when it was over or when their separations were too long. Gulf felt like home. They could be anywhere and so long as he could reach out and find his familiar warmth, Mew felt safe. From the way Gulf sought him out, clung to him, let him into his space, and always made an effort to end their fights told Mew that the affection was far from one sided. Yet even as the entire world around them declared them lovers, between themselves they never broached the subject in any way that might give their feelings clear lines and edges. They stepped around the subject like it was some fragile beautiful relic that would oxidize and crumble under the harsh light of the day.

Then came the night of the Chinese New Year event.

Even on stage in front of so many people Gulf’s was more unreserved than Mew had ever seen him. The younger man delighted Mew with his suggestive responses and flirtatious jokes. They were both at ease, happy having learned that season 2 would be happening. Gone was the dread of parting, replaced by giddy optimism. And it happened right there on stage, the right atoms collided and something passed between them through the wide channel of shared understanding formed when they met each other’s gaze. They stood close noses touching, Gulf’s hands on his neck, playing pretend lovers in front of hundreds of people. Though the pose was in the script, Gulf whispering “I love you, Phi” as he planted a soft kiss on Mew’s forehead, was not. Neither was the way Mew stopped breathing when he heard those words, meant only for him. The pretense evaporated. Gulf smiled widely as if in acknowledgement of what they both knew and Mew felt something like a small dam in him dislodge. For a moment they were both suspended inside a shared understanding. Mew felt only the beating of his own pulse, the heat of Gulf’s body in his arms and the delicate fingertips pressed against his neck. Their eyes caught in each others, spilling everything. The rest of the world disappeared. The fans, MCs, stage, lights, all faded into a barely audible hum somewhere on the periphery of their perceptions.

There was no one else in their dressing room when they stumbled in, shutting the door to any possible intrusions. Mew pretended not to notice Gulf locking the door, something he had never done before. The room was a technicolor kaleidoscope of flowers, stuffed animals, Bhat bouquets and bags of gifts. More had been delivered while they were on stage, leaving little room to stand. They were laughing at nothing of note as they moved through the room, Mew’s arms protectively around Gulf’s waist to steady him, guiding him through the narrow free space on the floor. His attention was drawn to the light catching on the heart-shaped stickers still clinging to Gulf’s neck when he lost his balance. Mew collapsed unto the love seat, landing on a large bouquet of white lilies, taking Gulf down with him.

Gulf landed in Mew’s lap, the flowers crushed beneath Mew’s bulk. Gulf was laughing as he turned around to check if he had injured Mew in anyway. The questioned died on his lips when their eyes met. Their laughter abruptly faded. Though Mew had held him like this a million times, a new feeling ran through the length of him like he had just injected some thing. For what felt like forever they both just watched each other, eyes hungry but neither quite bold enough to speak or move. Somewhere in the back of his mind protest blared but Mew could barely hear them. Then Gulf - shy, reserved, quiet Gulf - his voice soft, words polite, as straightforward as ever, just up and asked if he could kiss him, complete with _khun phi_ and _na krap._ It touched the weakest spot in Mew's reluctance, sending the whole thing crumbling. Gulf’s mouth parted in a smile, eyes dancing with self satisfaction at the expression on Mew’s face before suddenly feeling shy with his own request and Mew's lack of an answer. While Mew gazed up at him the other man started to speak again. Some kind of assurances like _You don’t have to. It’s ok. I’m just kidding na_ when Mew closed the space between them.

He moved first partly to stop that pretty mouth from talking, but mostly because he had been wanting to kiss that mouth all night.

He kissed Gulf through a smile first, almost playfully, with little depth or heat. Like he was kissing a precocious kitten. He meant to end it there, foolish faith in his own will power, but Gulf’s hands were suddenly on his face, pulling him towards him, deepening the kiss. He didn’t expect it to feel so different from what it was at work. Didn't expect the surge of what to be so strong, so all consuming, did not remember Gulfs lips being so soft. 

Things escalated quickly after that. 

They scrambled to fit their tall frames on the overburdened love-seat, crushing more flowers beneath them, their movements spilling petals, tearing tissue paper. After Gulf winded him with a misplaced knew or elbow for the fifth time, Mew wrapped an arm around the other man's waist and in one fluid motion, with grace belaying his size, lifted Gulf and flipped them both. Gulf landed softly beneath him, snuffing out the remaining life of a bouquet of carnations. The short “hah” that erupted from Gulf's mouth at the motion as he grinned up, his face a mix of awe and arousal, turned Mew’s thoughts into white noise. Mew wanted to watch him longer but Gulf already had his hands on the back of Mew’s neck, pulling him back down. Mew didn’t so much give in as melt into Gulf’s urging.

He did not remember when or how he managed to remove his red silk shirt or how it ended up on the other side of the room unceremoniously strewn over the face of an obscenely large teddy bear. He remembers coming up for air one more time, pulling away to take in the focused look on Gulf’s face as he worked at unbuckling Mew’s belt. He was mildly aware of his own smile and the blush growing more fierce on Gulf’s face under Mew’s intense examination. Then Gulf looked up at him, those soft brown eyes defiant, pleading, trusting. Tenderness and worry shot into Mew’s heart and then visions rose to his mind unbidden; he was suddenly back in 2018, afraid to leave his house, facing rejection and scorn when he did, the terrible, suffocating weeks of shame and heartache. He also saw the headlines, the hashtags, the comments. He recalled with sharp clarity the ordeal with Poom and the toll it took on Gulf, the way he closed in on himself. His late night LINE messages the only way he could express his pain and only to Mew. He saw Gulf on the receiving end of attacks he knew too well. Past memories swept up with horrible imaginings of what might be and a protective instinct raced down his spine. The spell was broken. He suddenly felt the stab of thorns against his leg where their movements distributed some roses, there were knocks on the door, phones vibrated and dinged with alerts. The thoughts as sobering as a punch. Whatever delirium had taken him that far dissipated and panic crashed in with savage force.

Gulf must have seen the change come over his expression, understood instantly what was running through Mew’s mind as he shot up and scrambled to stand, nearly falling again. Gulf was there at his side steadying him, saying something as he shot looks towards the door. Mew’s head buzzed and all he saw was the indefensible state of the room and their clothes. The sound of knocking and phones seemingly growing louder with each second. He was pulling on his shirt frantically, repeatedly missing a button when Gulf was there again, a comforting hand on his arm.

‘It’s ok _’_ He remembered Gulf saying as he moved Mew’s hands away from the shirt and buttoned it for him. Before he could find his voice again Gulf was gone. Then there were people in the room and hands pulling him along and voices talking about dates and times and then he was in the van and in his house and collapsing unto to his bed.

It was nearly 1am when his phone buzzed with a LINE message from Gulf.

- _I’m outside_

Mew met him at the front door.

“Did I wake you, Phi?” Gulf had asked. His face cast in shadow as the lights of his still running car silhouetted him. 

“No. I couldn’t sleep.” Mew made to move aside to let Gulf come in but the other man shook his head.

“I’m not staying. I just needed to tell you this in case…” There had been hesitation in his voices but Mew was not able to read his expression in the dark.

“P’Mew…I’m not like _him_.”

Mew knew Gulf saw him flinch at that.

“I don’t want you to think you did anything wrong tonight. I don’t regret kissing you. I think I know what you will say yet I can’t bring myself to regret it. But the way we started. How we stopped.” He said haltingly. “I didn’t want you to think that it was impulsive. That I didn’t want it. That I haven’t wanted it for a long time.”

_I wanted it too. I’m glad it happened. I don’t regret it either. I love you. I’m so happy to see you. Don’t leave. Please don’t leave._

Mew's mind screamed but he forced these thoughts behind the expanse of common sense. “Thank you." He said, hearing how awkward that sounded, glad he couldn't see Gulf's face. "But you didn’t need to come out all this way so late.”

“I wanted to see you. I was worried.” Gulf shifted from one foot to the other. He turned to leave. “I better get back before anyone realizes I left," he added and Mew had not missed the disappointment in his voice.

“Wait, Nong,” Mew took two steps towards him “Are we ok?” What a ridiculous question that was. For weeks after he would remember this moment and cringe at his own cowardice.

“We’re fine, Phi.” Gulf had replied with an exaggerated shrug of indifference as he kept walking away, “Nothing we haven’t done before.”

“Tua eng…” he took another tentative step towards him, bare feet on gravel.

Gulf halted at the word.

_Please stay._

“Message me when you get home." Mew said.

“Oh…" There was that disappointment again. The tone clawed at Mew's heart. He hated it doing this. "That’s in almost an hour, Phi. I’ll be fine.” Gulf whined as he climbed into the car.

“Message me or I will worry” Mew insisted, his hand on the car window. 

“ _Kraaap_.” Gulf groaned in agreement. 

Mew stood looking after Gulf’s car long after it disappeared down the street. He had gone through all the things he should have said and all the reasons he kept them to himself. Though he returned to his bedroom he did not sleep until the message came. 

“Khun Phi?”

Mew was pulled out of his reminiscing by a familiar voice. Gulf stood just outside the kitchen. He stood by the shelf, examining a framed photo of them from the day they were cast. He turned to see Mew entered and turned back to the photo. “I think I should go home,” he said flatly, “I’ll call a car.”

“You don’t need to leave. It’s late. I’ll give you space” Mew said thrown by the request, not sure which way to push. 

“I don’t want space, P’Mew,” Gulf sounded tired, “And I can’t see how I can stay after what happened in there,” he nodded towards the kitchen.

“It wasn’t anything we haven’t done before.” The words left Mew's mouth the instant he knew they were they wrong things to say. 

“You know as well as I do that’s bullshit. It was bullshit when I said it and it still is.” Gulf turned to face him. His face impassive, expression unreadable. He stood there, watching Mew intently. His hands still wrapped around the framed photo. Not angry, not judging, just waiting. Mew searched for the words that would somehow make this better and came up empty. 

“Alright. I’ll get my keys.” He said taking the photo from Gulf’s hands and replacing it on the shelf behind him. He lingered on it a moment, pretending not to see Gulf’s expression falter. 

“You won’t even try to convince me I’m wrong?” Gulf asked, a hint of anger in his tone.

“About what?” Mew fixed his gaze on Gulf in the photo, not daring to look at the real man beside him.

“About there being something more here. Tell me I’m imagining things. Convince me I’m just getting carried away. That maybe I’m tired. That maybe it’s just the emotions of the last few days. Anything?” With each sentence Mew heard Gulf’s composure crack.

“I’m not a very good liar, Nong” Mew said gently. He turned to look at him. Gulf's expression warring between fear, anger and hurt. 

“Try!” The desperation and pleading in Gulf’s voice rolled through Mew like thunder. It seemed to surprise even Gulf, the plea completely erasing the front he tried to put up. He grabbed Mew by the shirt, “Convince me, Phi. Tell me you don’t feel the same way. That it doesn’t mean anything,” He pleaded giving Mew several firm shakes.

_Oh Tua eng._

“Would that make it easier? Would you even believe me?” Mew placed his hands over Gulf’s fists balled up around his shirt.

“No,” Gulf said finally and dropped his gaze. His grip loosened and he fell against Mew, headbutting him in the chest. “Why is it so easy for you?” He asked, his fists lightly beating against Mew’s chest.

_Easy?_

Mew pulled him in closer, wrapping his arms around him. He pressed his own face into Gulf’s shoulder as he spoke. “It isn’t easy, Tua eng. Nothing makes it easy. But this.” He held Gulf tighter. “This makes it worth it. If it means keeping you safe and keeping you close…”

“ _This.”_ Gulf echoed. “And it’s enough?”

Mew pulled back to look at Gulf. He cupped the younger man’s face with one hand. “Watching you go after what you want and succeed? Being the person you go to when things are hard? Seeing the rest of the world fall in love with you? The pride on your face when you take care of your family? The way your eyes light up with every job you do well? Being here for all of these moments and more? Yes. It is” Mew smiled, knowing with his whole heart that he meant it. 

"None of that has to change.” His voice urgent. 

"Maybe not right away. But if people found out…”

"They'd throw us a parade" Gulf interrupted "The world already thinks we're married." He added, looking down in a moment of shyness.

Mew took hold of Gulf’s hands in his. “Some people would, yes. We’d make a lot of Waanjai’s happy,” he flashed a quick smile. “Then the media would drag us through hell,” He squeezed Gulf’s hands reassuringly, smile dropping. “It could ruin your career. You have so much success for someone so young, so many opportunities right now and it could all disappear. And for what?"

"For us." Gulf answered quickly, without so much as a second thought. Mew frustrated as he was, could not help but warm at the untarnished optimism in that answer. He beamed at the other man, "And you dare say you aren't romantic,” Mew teased.

Gulf groaned in exaggerated annoyance, not trying to hide his own smile “I’m not being romantic. I’m being serious.” The work stuff isn’t forever. I don’t even know if I want to keep doing this for the rest of my life or even next year.” Gulf pulled his hands out of Mew’s and held Mew’s face instead as he stepped closer. “I don’t know about any of that, but I do know about you. I know I want you to stay with me for a long time.” Mew felt his heart skip at the sincerity in those word, at the closeness of Gulf’s face, at the heat of his hands.

Mew covered Gulf’s hands with his own. "I won't let you throw away everything you've worked for. Your dream to help your parents. I can’t be the reason for destroying that. You understand that, right?”

"It's not your decision." Gulf said simply. 

“Can you really promise me that you won’t grow to resent me later when you realize what you gave up or lost? For not protecting you better?"

Gulf swallowed and pulled back, dropping his hands. He said nothing for a moment, considering his answer. “I can’t make any promises about the future. You taught me that.” He said finally, his voice decisive, assured. “But I can make and own my own choices. I would not blame you for my mistakes,” he pressed his forehead to Mew’s.

“Then what about the media, the tabloids. They will tear you apart. They will be so cruel, Nong…”

“I don’t care what they say about me.” Gulf insisted. “You are smart, Suppasit but you can be really dense sometimes. These last few months I have been trying so hard to make you see, to prove to you that I am ready for it, that I am not afraid to be with you openly and publicly if that is what happens.” He met Mew’s eyes. “If that is what you want.”

_What I want?_

Mew watched the man before him, considering every possible horrible scenario that would face them if he actually went after what he wanted, but they came far less easily now, diverging instead into happier possibilities the longer Gulf held his hands and the longer he looked into his eyes. He felt the wall of reasons against his own happiness crumble.

"You're willing to risk everything...to be with me?" 

"Yes!" I _love you_ Mew Suppasit Jongcheveevat.” He said with such intensity and force so as to leave no doubt in Mew's mind that he meant every last syllable.

Mew felt the last bit of resistance turn to dust.

“If you tell me now, once and for all, that you want us to remain as we have been, brothers or something like that. I will not push again. But if you want what I think you want, what I think we both want then I am willing to accept the risks, the hardships, the challenges.”

Mew laughed and put a hand over Gulf’s mouth. “You sound like you’re saying vows. Mr. I'm not Romantic. Enough speeches,” He said moving his hand away. He stepped away from Gulf, marveling at the him, at himself, at the foolish, wonderful thing he was about to do.

“Lets go to bed. It’s late.” Mew said, grabbing Gulf's hand, pulling him along towards the stairs.

“Wait a second. You can’t just leave it like this? What’s your answer?” Gulf protested, weakly resisting being dragged along.

“Ask me what you asked earlier, about the interview.” Mew stopped and turned. He faced Gulf, still holding his hand. Gulf, looking confused, searching Mew's face before finally speaking. 

“Is…is your heart available?” he stammered out. Mew cocked his head as if considering the question. Abruptly, he tugged at Gulf's hand, pulling him towards another embrace. His hands gentle at the small of Gulf's back as he moved his face close to nearly touching. "Yes, Tua eng. It is.” He smiled

"But.." Gulf’s eyes grew wide with confusion.

“I think you should do something about that, don’t you?” Mew interrupted, eyebrow cocked. The expression on Gulfs face remained guarded and suspicious. He shoved against Mew’s hold.

“Mew, stop fooling around. What are you saying? What do you want?” Gulf demanded, even as a blush began to creep up his neck. Mew pulled him closer, nearly lifting him off the floor and pressed his nose to Gulf’s throat as he did so.

“Stop squirming.” Mew laughed. “I’m saying yes you brat. Yes to all of it. Now come on up to bed and I’ll show you what I want.” He put him down and let him go, turning towards the stairs. He paused when he realized Gulf wasn’t following and sighed, exasperated. He turned to see Gulf looking at him with suspicion. “If you’re teasing me” Gulf threatened narrowing his eyes. “I swear…Phi.”

Mew sighed with a smile. He went back, folded his arms behind his back and leaned in just next to Gulf’s ear. “Come up to bed. And I’ll show you what real teasing looks like.” He whispered, his lips intentionally brushing against the other’s ear. He paused before moving back to see the goosebumps rise on Gulfs’ neck. With a self-satisfied smile he headed for the stairs. He heard Gulf rushing to catch up behind him. 

\------------------------------------

Gulf yawned as he slid into the makeup chair.

“Did you stay up playing video games again?” The girl asked as she smiled teasingly at Gulf. “No Phi.” Gulf mumbled reaching for the tea someone handed him. “Just doing homework late with P’Mew.”

The girl stopped her brush for a split second then continued, smiling to herself.

Gulf Pulled out his phone as she worked.

\-- _Can I stay at your place again tonight?_

_\-- No. I need my rest._

_\-- Please na. Na kraaaaap. Na na na._

_\-- Brat!_

_\-- Naaaaa_

_\-- Yes!_

“Hey” the Girl exclaimed as Gulf grinned, forcing her to smudge lipstick over his teeth. "Would you sit still."

“Oh sorry, Phi.”

She sighed.

“In a good mood are we?”

“Mmm.” Gulf looked up at the mirror as Mew entered the dressing room. They saw each other and Mew smiled when their eyes met.

“The best.” Gulf answered. The girl gave him another playful shove at the grin interrupting her careful lipstick application. 


End file.
